Emotions

Speaking of my poor husband…

I haven’t really talked about my emotions through this entire process, and that’s because I didn’t really have any. It was an odd feeling of not having any feeling, if that makes sense. I was always in a fight or flight response, on a mission of “what’s next” that I never stopped to give myself time to process the feelings. Which for me, worked out great. For others around me, like my husband or family/friends, not so great. I had a hard time opening up and talking about my feelings because in my mind I just had to get through it … process it later. I did go see the counselor at Cancer Care Northwest right after being diagnosed, as recommended by Dr. Moline. I went one time and felt that was enough. Instead of talking about my own feelings, I ended up talking about how everyone around me was processing the news and how to support them. So I tried it. Wasn’t for me, moving on.

Most people would ask me how I was doing all the time, and some would even ask how my husband was doing through all this. Well, it was hard to tell. Why? Because I think it was hard for him to watch me go through all this and be completely helpless. How can he protect me? Can’t. How can he support me? Just be there for me. But there was nothing he could do. Not easy, I’m sure.

For me, I processed it by keeping myself busy, gathering information and chipping away at all the checklists I had to complete. I kept my life as normal as possible. I kept working full time, taking time off as needed for all of my doctor appointments, working out, hanging out with family and friends. I guess the more normal I kept my every day life, the easier it was to pretend this wasn’t happening. Probably not super healthy if you ask a psychologist, but it worked for me. I never felt sorry for myself, never felt super happy or super sad, almost numb…. For about 4 months, I never cried.

In hindsight, probably would have been good for me to stick with therapy a little longer or to even try it out now… and maybe I still will.